(1) I create very extensive stand-up comedy routines in my car while driving places. The words “please stop doing that” and “leave funny to the professionals” just might have been uttered by some very tall man-person in my home on multiple occasions.
(2) I love to iron, in the wistful sense that once a year or so I’ll pull out some cloth napkins and slowly press them during the changing of the seasons as the Autumn wind is blowing through the windows and I’m listening to an Adele album while drinking chai tea. Aside from that one particular set of circumstances, ironing’s just meh.
(3) My two-year-old has decided that he has immunity from all bad deeds as long as he says I’m sorry and offers a hug. Today he sprinkled baby powder over his entire room, squirted lotion on my wood floors, ate nothing for dinner but demanded bars for an hour, marked on the furniture, and hit his sister. Sorry, momma? Hug? It’s not a magic eraser, kid. I ain’t fallin for it.
(4) I made homemade play dough this afternoon because I am that cool mom that does fantastic crafty things with her children that they damn well better remember. My son spilled salt all over the floor, I had to cook the concoction and dirty up several pans, I ended up getting green food coloring on my hand for the rest of the day that doesn’t come off even with sandpaper, only to end up with two tiny lumps that my children rolled into snakes and made into hearts for seven entire minutes. Then they declared play-dough dull and boring in comparison to afternoon cartoons and ran out of the kitchen muttering about juice boxes. Save yourself the trouble. Buy it instead.
(5) I’m going to buy a new Burberry coat and when my husband casually asks how much it costs I’ll just say Sorry? Hug?
(6) I let my dog out to pee this morning before I even had my first cup of coffee and our neighborhood dog walkers stopped in their tracks at the sight of an unbound, leash-free animal. Like my 14-year-old spaniel is going to attack them in a wild crazy old-dog vengeance. I don’t even think he saw them given his poor eyesight and general inability to move fast or care much. He sauntered slowly toward the mailbox and began eating some other animal’s poo. The dog walkers stared in disgust and one said “just keep going, Muffy. It’s just none of your business.” I just waved. “Have a great morning, ya’ll!” I called out.
(7) I have a thing for Jennifer Garner because I loved Season One of Alias so much and I secretly believe that if we were placed in a room together we’d become BFFs and would agree on all childrearing techniques and would bond over tea and scones. But now that I’m putting it out there on paper it sounds weird and stalkerish and perhaps it’s strange that I always click on her picture in celebrity websites as she’s coming out of Starbucks. I’m all “hey, Jen. Is that your double frap with no foam? I know you love em. check it.”
(8) I am not ever going to make sandwiches in my kid’s lunch box that look like a tropical beach with coconut and palm trees or make vegetables look like monkey ears. My knives aren’t that sharp and they won’t eat anything green anyway and I just can’t go around setting the standard that high. I’ve decided that pinterest is evil and exists to make mothers feel like pond scum. What happened to the simple lunch note that reads “have a great day in wonderland, sucka”?
(9) I honestly don’t know what Jennifer Garner drinks at Starbucks. And I don’t say “check it” in real life because I don’t know exactly what that means. I do, however, periodically watch movie previews in which she stars. Maybe weird. Not as weird, however, as saying “check-it.”
(10) I get winded sometimes when climbing stairs, but I’m too embarrassed to admit I’m out of shape so I say things like (sigh) I’m so bummed that Heidi Klum cheated on Seal or (sigh) I really need to go the grocery store for toothpaste or (sigh) I really hope my daughter likes those new socks I bought. Basically anything I can sigh about that brings more air into my oxygen-starved and bloated lungs. Maybe I should just work out instead so I don’t have to sound like such a ninny.