(1) My daughter asked why baby teeth fell out and I told her that the big grown-up teeth are underneath pushing them. She said that wasn’t true because she doesn’t feel those big teeth yet and if they were pushing wouldn’t she see evidence of it? I sighed and said that baby teeth must just have good timing. Teeth don’t have brains, she says. She’s already surpassing me in logic and she’s only six.
(2) I love rap so much and it annoys me that they keep talking about clubs and drugs and money. Let’s quit degrading women and start using this incredibly emotional forum to discuss rising from poverty and struggling past the racial divide. Because when I hear Eminem’s Lose Yourself after all these years I’m still so powerfully moved.
(3) I made a chicken black-bean casserole tonight. I used refried black beans instead of whole. I added sour cream. I threw in some cream and cumin and added bell peppers. I smeared it into the pan and topped it with sharp cheddar. It turned out looking like a large platter of smashed up dog poo. My cousin is a chef and says we eat with our eyes. She speaks the truth.
(4) Sometimes I get annoyed that my daughter’s private school is so strict and rigid and her homework consists of reading and more reading and math worksheets. But then I think of how awesome it would be to be forced to do all that reading and it makes me feel better. This weekend I’m going to have her draw all the animals she can muster so we can add glitter and sparkles and create a mud pie masterpiece. We’ll shake out all the sillies and dance to Elvis and on Monday we’ll go back to math worksheets again. A few drops of glitter may or may not fall out of her backpack Monday. I’m denying any knowledge therein.
(5) I spoke poorly of someone long ago and it got back to him through a tangled web of connections. Although I don’t remember what I said it was something related to our tense working relationship at the time. Vitriolic speech comes back to haunt you. It’s a reminder to not speak with a forked tongue.
(6) I tried to explain to my daughter the other day what it means to speak with a forked tongue as we were looking at my son’s book of reptiles. She just looked at me and nodded in that way you nod to senile people. I think she secretly believes I’m a toad trapped in a mother’s body and most of what comes out of my mouth is pure drivel.
(7) My son cried for almost an hour after his nap today because I wouldn’t drop everything I was doing, hold him in my arms, rock him back and forth while standing, and tell him it would all be okay. Well I have things to do, buddy, and I can’t just pacify you at your every whim. I’m over thirty and you’re only two and I can’t go around caving in to your ridiculous demands. I ain’t raising no sissy, I told myself as I stood firm by the sink rinsing vegetables for dinner. Keep crying if you want to because it has absolutely no effect on me.
(8) This afternoon, after rinsing vegetables, I sat down on the chair and held my sweet baby boy in my arms. I rocked his little body back and forth. It’s okay, I whispered to his tear-stained face. Mama’s here. You’re safe. There is no hope for him, I tell you.
(9) When Adele has her child that poor little thing will be so spoiled because her mom will sing Over the Rainbow and Amazing Grace and will catch herself humming Rolling in the Deep in the Burger King drive-in. The kid will forever cringe at church when the choir starts and there’s just no living with a music snob.
(10) Today I talked to one of my best friends and we laughed about farts, fans, and how we weren’t buying our kids smart phones until they were old enough to earn them. We are so turning into old people. The only thing left to go is our hearing and cute underpants. Lord help us.
(11) Sometimes I sit and stare at the blank page like a devil that laughs at my face and tells me there’s nothing more to say. I start writing anyway.