(1) Every time I look at a gossip magazine in the grocery store I see a column that reads “Stars are just like us!” with a picture of Jennifer Garner at the Farmer’s Market or Gwen Stefani buying her kid an ice cream. But I never see these people wearing ill-fitting workout gear accidentally running over their kid’s tricycle while yelling at their 2-year-old to stop eating old goldfish found in the crack of the car seat with allergy eyes wondering if they lost their credit card. So they aren’t like us.
(2) Some crazy lady was arrested for stalking Clay Aiken. I think this is clearly a publicity stunt because tell me who would stalk Clay Aiken. Tell me.
(3) I’m actually proud of Lindsay Lohan. She’s re-invented herself and apparently has a new career out of showing up at court appearances looking haggard. She’s doing great and we all need to support her in this new endeavor.
(4) Speaking of getting in trouble with the law, Reese Witherspoon got pulled over and was all “I deserve to stand on American soil” and “Do you know who I am?” She then issued a statement the next day about how much she loves law enforcement, Go America, boo to drinking, very sorry to disrespect the family, red-white-and-blue, just headin to the policeman’s ball, etc. I’m so renting Legally Blond this weekend in tribute. I’m also going to say “Do you know who I am?” more often.
(5) Ryan Lochte has his own television show. Ain’t nobody cares what Ryan Lochte has to say about anything, but we will all tune in to see if he takes off his shirt.
(5) I also don’t care what Kim Kardashian wears during the course of her pregnancy. Laws are being made, people are displaced in war, somewhere on an unknown channel Ryan Lochte is shirtless. Priorities.
(7) Kristen Stewart is a beautiful girl, so I’m confused as to why her hair always looks like she just got out of the pool.
(8) Who even is Amanda Bynes, and why is her mental deterioration anyone’s concern? Let the woman cover her head, mutter about prunes, wander around, and get extensions in peace. Have mercy.
(9) It has been formally revealed that Gwyneth Paltrow endures 2-hour workout sessions every single day, has an uber-serious carbohydrate ban, and maintains a “fashion essentials” list that totals more than the value of my house. You lie, People Magazine. Celebrities are not just like us.
(10) Robert Downey, Jr. just made $50 million on one film. They are like us in the same way that I am like a person who dusts.
(11) I have a crush on Connie Britton’s hair. It’s out there. I said it.
(12) I ain’t gonna lie. I knew more about the details of Justin Timberlake’s new album release than who was running for local office. But at least I’m focused on real people. You know, people just like us.